“Grit”: That Secret Weapon to All Successful Relationships

 There was a recent segment on TVOntario about the importance of “grit”. The speaker maintained “grit” was the one element that makes you successful at work and in your relationships.

 That reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: “I am nothing but a plodding mediocrity…a mere mediocrity does not go very far, but a plodding one gets quite a distance,” said American Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo [1870-1938]. His mother died when he was nine. He was raised mainly by his sister, Nell, who was eleven years older. His father’s sullied the family name by his bad choices. Benjamin spent a lifetime trying to overcome the family shame by going into law and doing his best there. He seemed to grasp early on that it would take perseverance to achieve that goal, and all goals, in his life.

 Writer Malcolm Gladwell also understood the importance of “grit” when it comes to people who are called ‘successful’. He acknowledged that time and place can have an effect also, but sheer “grit” seems to be the most powerful component.

 When we are young we think looks or status or whatever is the key to friendships. But as we gain more insight into others we realize that all relationships actually do succeed by “grit”. You need to hang in there. You need to keep learning about the other person if you want to keep that person in your life. And all that takes “grit”. 

 Part of “grit” is to know when not to speak. Writer Maya Angelou posted on her Facebook page June 2010: “The West African women, especially Ghanaians, put both their finger and their thumb together and hold their lips and say, “Hold your weapon.” Love that. So simple. So true. Saves a world of hurt, for you and others.

 It reminds me of one of the quotes I wrote down when I was in high school: “It often shows a fine command of language, to say nothing.” Your inner wisdom tells you once words are out, in someone’s ear or the stratosphere, they are no longer under your control. You know it is only your tongue you can control.

 I end this column with one of my all time favorite “grit” stories: 1902 was often described as Einstein’s lowest year. He had a girlfriend he couldn’t marry because he had no job. His father went bankrupt, fell ill, then died. He got a boring job at the Swiss Patent Office. But he used his inner wisdom to realize the job gave him money to solve some problems. He finished his work quickly so he had time to work on questions such as what would happen if a person raced alongside a light beam? His ‘grit’ got him money, fame – and marriage.

So here’s to your “grit” – and what you will achieve with it.

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Why, Oh Why, O Money?

A documentary on TVO (public television for Ontario, Canada) featured four men who live and work near England’s picturesque Wye River – a beekeeper, a maker of cider, a lamb farmer, a salmon fisherman. They all worked hard. It made no difference. The passion they had for what they did over road everything. Including money problems.

Here we finally see four people passionate about their work, contributing their expertise to benefit other humans, but weighed down by that mundane, and probably outdated, concept of putting a price tag on everything.

So I am thinking about the day when our species is mature enough that we can focus on our individual unique talents instead; when we can focus on our purpose for being here. I call that our ‘Must’ in life. It’s that feeling that no matter what’s happening we have to find a way to follow our ‘Must’, even if we go under, over, around everything imaginable. Even if we have to work at what we despise to pay the bills, we do it so we can fit in a bit of time doing what we were put here to do.

There was a time in the maturing of our species when we needed a monetary system.  We couldn’t trade our products elsewhere because they wouldn’t travel well, or the distance was too far for us to go regularly. So we took money in exchange for getting something we wanted later or elsewhere. We can get all goods around the world in hours now.

As a social historian who looks at the good in the past so we can learn from that to make our lives today easier, I am baffled by money. Someone please tell me one example of money that is positive right now. I can’t see any. Those who don’t have enough stress how to get more. Those who have pots of money worry how not to lose it, how not to have people like them just because of their wealth, and how to keep loved ones safe from kidnappers with ransom ideas.

A thought: Is money now a sign of our specie’s immaturity? Is it time we grew beyond a monetary system that infects and afflicts every part of each person’s life from birth to death?

Is it time for us to stop the spotlight on money, and place it on us following our purpose for being here, our personal joy, our unique gifts? We won’t stop this deeply entrenched monetary system overnight. But we can start immediately to put greater emphasis on what truly makes us happy – fulfilling our purpose for being here.

I love using my writing and my historical research to help others today with their happiness quotient. I’ve been doing this since grade five when my teacher, Mrs. Morrison, chose me to play Queen Isabella in a play. That’s when I fell in love with using historical research to help others.

So I’m wondering, What’s the thread in your life, and your life, and your life… you love following?

How Do You Make Your ‘Self-Fulfilling’ Prophecy Come True?

Yes, we all do it. We predetermine what the outcome should be. Then, in a variety of ways, we follow that path to make it come true.

 At the end, we get to shout, “See I told you so!”

 In the ‘Outliers’ Malcolm Gladwell explains how young hockey players, furthest, in birth date, away from the cutoff date of selection for teams, do the best. Of course they will. They’re the oldest, the biggest, the best practiced. Then they get chosen for better teams. As a result, they get more hockey time to practice and the best coaches to help them. People in the hockey business then get to say, “I told you these choices would be great.” The book calls this process “a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.”

 Help. I don’t know whether to laugh, or scratch my head in despair, over the simple-mindedness we humans can demonstrate.

 I think of other areas, as well – schools, ethnic groups, gender, age. Take any category and you can see patterns of how humans set in action a course that will make their predictions come true.

 We put down the poor for being poor; but we pay them minimal wage. We sale arms to groups or look the other way when others sale them arms; then we chastise them when they use the weapons. And on and on.

 It’s easy for us to criticize these bigger events. But what about you and your own world? What do you say to yourself – and then follow through by following a path to make it come true?

 A self-fulfilling prophecy is in direct opposition to studying the facts and taking steps to do the best by constantly tweaking along your life path.

 A self-fulfilling prophecy is a cop-out.

 And that holds true for positive outlooks as well. Of course, it is better to fill yourself with positive words to cheer yourself along the path. But make sure they’re not meaningless mantras devoid of facts. It’s the way you deal with those facts that enable you to come to the finish line with an all-encompassing life success.

 In short, when you follow a prophecy, you are telling yourself the outcome before you begin the jog. You might finish the race, but look how much you have missed out on. The path to the finish line would have been filled with all kinds of other insights, not just about this situation. And you missed out all those other opportunities.

 So what to do? Choice. That’s the key word, in history and in your personal life. Choose to look at what you say to yourself. Make sure they are fulfilled by dealing with life facts.

 After all, you don’t just ‘play hockey’ even during the hockey season. And you don’t ‘play hockey’ for a lifetime. Take in all the facts, and make, not just the ‘game’ but your life a success.

We Love That Other People Love Us. So, Toot Your Own Horn.

 A story of two different cousins: During World War I, Tsarina Alexandra of Russia and her cousin Queen Marie of Romania, both granddaughters of Queen Victoria, were nurses tending their wounded troops. There is evidence of the kindness and expertise of both of them. For Alexandra, word of her contributions was passed through the slender link of what the wounded wrote to their relatives. Marie, on the other hand, made sure her whole country, even the world, knew what she had done. There are endless photo shots of her in her uniform. Even after the War, Marie made sure she was in uniform in family photos, as a reminder to her Romanian subjects what she had done. Only a handful knew of Alexandra’s work. That information came to light through the work of historians decades after she and her husband and children were assassinated in a forest in Russia. One wonders what might have happened if the country knew of this side of her. But, it was her choice to keep quiet. She was not like her cousin in temperament. Alexandra was always quiet and viewed modesty as a watchword. You can understand the depth of this story if you think of having done something in your life for which you got no credit. Then, sometime later, another was heralded for the same act. Your inner wisdom has to ask, What did I get from all this? Yes, there is the great feeling one gets from doing something good and remaining anonymous. But, is it really enough to just get inner gratification? We are, after all, a social species. We want to hear about each other. We want to share experiences on all levels. Mostly, we want to know that others love us for what we do. We want to know who those poets were who signed their names ‘Anonymous’. We want to know who those givers are in that philanthropic list under the title ‘and 57 other Donors Who Wish to Remain Anonymous’. When you think about it, your inner wisdom tells you there is something uncomfortable about anonymity. There is something joyful about sharing an accomplishment; we all get to feel the accomplishment through a refracted lens. Our society definitely does not reward modesty. If we don’t know about it, how can we rejoice in what positives were done? It seems what your inner wisdom rebels against is undue flattering of oneself. So, state what good you have done. Feel proud of what positives you have given our species, our planet. And if you hesitate because you think it might sound like boasting, think of the positive role model you are giving others the chance to emulate, like a regal nurse in wartime. Now, that’s another depth of using your inner wisdom.

Manners and Happy Relationships: You Can’t Have One Without the Other

 Etiquette guru Emily Post (1872-1960) quickly realized her topic was never about which fork to use or who to know. Her popularity remains today because she was really writing about relationships. She used etiquette as the tool to that goal.

 She condemned what she called the “real outcasts,” those who found it necessary for their egos to put others down. She also cautioned that etiquette called for common sense. For example, if you tried to “impress” the “best” people at your party by spending money foolishly, you were actually demeaning yourself before the wrong people. A class act is believing in your worth.

 Etiquette is an entire way of behavior and must include “ethics as well as manners,” she wrote.

 She also advocated – what parents know who use their inner wisdom when trying to instill a value in their children – setting as many good examples in life as possible for them to choose from. We all know there’s no guarantee a child will follow any good or bad example. That’s because we all have choice built into our core. But, giving children good examples can help with those choices.

 She described how this helped her: As she grew up she watched the gentle kindness of her father daily giving money to beggars on the way to his office. She observed her parents’ compassionate outlook while they still discussed sound financial investments. She used all that wisdom in her writing.

 I have often thought Emily would have enjoyed meeting King Arthur and his Knights. Historically, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, including the most famous one, Lancelot, have garnered much debate over whether they existed and in what form. But, I don’t feel that debate is important. What is important is the message that group has generated throughout the centuries.

 The Knights stood for loyalty, chivalry (toward women who represented the vulnerable in society), equality (there was no preferential seating because of the table shape), and courage (to carry out honorable tasks). Essentially, the whole story stands for values that are timeless, and serves as another historic example from which those using their inner wisdom can learn when dealing with others.

 In short, Emily would have approved. 

 

Being First Isn’t A Surefire Route To Success

Remember in the school yard desperately hoping you would be the one chosen first – well, at least, not last? We have all had a time when others have been chosen before us. But, fear not; here’s a happy ending.

Famed Supreme Court Justice John Marshall wasn’t President John Adams first choice. He wanted his friend, John Jay, to head the Court. When Jay declined, Marshall became the rebound candidate. In 1801, forty-five year old Marshall was sworn is as Chief Justice. For the next thirty-four years he carved out an astounding reputation as, perhaps, the greatest to hold that position.

Minerva R Socrates has not been able to find any evidence that he felt like a second choice. He seemed to just get into the job from day one.

Using your inner wisdom you know what counts is first get the position, somehow. Then, make your mark.

Remember, Minerva R Socrates is really the wisdom within you.

Why Are Some So Put Off By Those Striving For Excellence In Their Passion?

In his ‘unauthorized autobiography’, Wikileaks Julian Assange wrote: “People nowadays love the play of selfhood: they think everything is a soap opera. But I mean what I say when I say my ‘self’ lies somewhere behind me: with a computer and a lifetime’s project, you no longer find yourself chasing from pillar to post the small business of yourself. You disappear into something larger and you serve it as best you can.”

 Before one starts judging whether one approves or not of his life’s passion, read on to the words of another, a century ago, who wrote of his passion: “The psyche should go into the paint,” said artist Marc Chagall (1887-1985). He is saying, essentially, what Assange said. He, too, lost himself in following the passion of his purpose in life. And, he, too, had his detractors.

 Assange summed up detractors: “Opponents past and present have the same essential weakness about them; first they want to use you, then they want to be you, then they want to snuff you out.”

 And that, my dear friends, goes a long way to help explain why it’s often difficult to follow that Must of yours, that purpose in life you know you have.

 Think back to those honeyed words flowing out to you when you graduated from anything. Didn’t all the speakers say to always follow your dream? Having attended my own three university graduations and numerous graduations of loved ones, I know how uplifting those words can be. Having worked so hard all my life for everything I’ve attained, I also know the sting of some who desperately try to put out the light of joy of what has been accomplished.

 I have written before how breaking the glass ceiling makes you a target for those who want to maintain the status quo, and by those who are jealous of the courage it took you to do so. The former feel threatened by you; the latter feel diminished by the fact you chose to make a positive difference in the world and they chose to close their eyes.

 What’s the solution? Hide under a rock? The ‘hiding’ part is actually, I find, a form of relief. I do try to stay away from people trying to diminish my passion in life, “to bring good people together faster and stronger so evil dies of claustrophobia” through my writing.

 And I do know Chagall was right. My ‘psyche’, although I tend to describe it as my entire essence, goes into my work.

 These days I pay less and less attention to those who try to diminish my efforts. I pay more and more attention to those whose wisdom helps me follow my passion in life.

 And that, dear readers, the following of the positive path means you are using your inner wisdom: when our thinking and doing and feeling is focused on our Chagall-like ‘psyche’, the negativity from some becomes more and more just static in the background to the beautiful ‘canvases’ we create.